Remembering Grandma Betty

I delivered this eulogy at the funeral of my grandmother Betty Litel

I stand here today to remember Betty for her strengths, achievements and contributions to others. It is easy for us to focus on the painful process of aging that robbed her of vitality and clarity in these last few years, but I choose to talk about her as she was during the years of my youth. Because her story is an amazing one that should remind us all of how lucky we are today and instruct us in how to face and overcome the unpredictable challenges that life deals.

When I think about Betty’s life and try to understand her contribution to the world, I realize that she was a person deeply committed to the welfare of others, devoted to her family, and selfless in her love. In my early years, I knew her simply as a woman who loved me and would treat me like a king during our yearly visits to Florida. I remember that each visit was full of fun activities that became family traditions. I will never forget all the trips to the Rascal House deli, the trips to the Beach, the continuous food onslaught and the community of friends that Betty and Al developed during their time in Florida.

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When I think of these vacations, I visualize the knishes, mundle bread, toll house cookies and luxeon kugle that were standard fare. I can remember the exact spot in their front closet where the toys were stored for Rebecca and I to play with during the visits. I can see Papa Al sitting at the card table or standing with a pool cue in his hand. And I will never forget the musical variety shows in the Recreation building. Especially the time when a performer, eager to ingratiate herself with the all-Jewish crowd, finished a rendition of a traditional Jewish song and then announced “not bad for a shicker, eh?”. The crowd went wild with laugher while the performer stared out at the crowd in confusion – Papa and Grandma couldn’t stop talking about it for days.

As I grew older, the annual visits became a staple of our school vacation and I became more familiar with Betty as a person. I realized that she was a remarkably non-judgemental individual and had few preconceived ideas of how I should live my life. Her famous saying, “If it makes you happy”, communicated a willingness to accept the fact that changes occurring in the world during her life would likely lead her grandchildren down a different path than the one she had chosen. I always felt totally supported by Betty and knew that she would judge my progress based upon my personal happiness rather than by comparing it to the choices she had made.

What makes Betty’s love, tolerance and devotion remarkable is that her childhood was marked by struggle, suffering and rejection. I can only imagine the adversity that she overcame in her early years. Her own mother died young and her father left for America while she was still a small child. Being raised by her own grandmother, she persevered despite the personal and political turmoil that was ongoing. Remember that Betty was a young child when Russia was racked by civil war and revolution. She told me once about witnessing acts of rape and cruelty by marauding soldiers passing through her village. Fortunately, she was too young to be of interest to them at the time.

When she arrived in the United States at the age of 16, after what must have been an extremely arduous boat ride across the ocean, her whole life changed. She could not speak any English, was extremely overweight, and had few skills that would allow her to make a living. Her father, unrecognizable given the long time that had passed, had remarried and given birth to several children. She went to live with them but found that her new step-mother treated her with cruelty and contempt. Betty told me that her step-mother would not accommodate her dietary needs that would help her to lose weight, refused to do her laundry, and looked upon her as an outcast. Although her father, a fruit peddler by trade, seemed a kind man, it was the step-mother who ran the household. The poisoned atmosphere forced Betty to leave home quickly. She went to live with cousins who treated her with love and kindness. Betty learned English quickly and found employment doing piecework sewing. It must have been a difficult life. But she managed to survive and even found time for fun. Betty told me that during the summers she would rent a beach house with several friends in Nantasket. It was there that she literally bumped into her future husband on the beach. Al was quickly smitten by her charm and soon they were married.

I tell Betty’s story because I think it is important to remember the incredible challenges that she overcame. Coming from a warm and loving family, and having had all the opportunities one could desire, I cannot imagine how I would react and find it amazing that she was able to embrace the joy of life rather than dwell on the injustices that she suffered. I never knew about her early years until the last decade. She never talked about it unless asked. It was just the way she was – as my father often said, Betty was never a complainer.

The death of my mother was devastating to her. As it was for all of us. But Betty took it the hardest. I won’t dwell on this subject because it only serves to reopen our old wounds. But I bring it up to remind myself, as one of two remaining descendants, that Betty spent her final years dedicated to the well-being of her husband, and then later her grandchildren. She told Rebecca and I that we were all she had in the world. It was a hard thing to hear as a teenager. It is easier to understand and accept now.

I want to remember Betty’s legacy as one of compassion, selflessness, commitment to others and unconditional love. That is how she touched me and this is how I will describe her to my children and grandchildren. When asked, I will tell them that Betty was a truly great woman who was dealt unthinkable challenges and experienced terrible tragedy. Yet despite her losses, she approached life with love rather than hate and was able to look forward rather than dwell on the past. She serves as an inspiration to us all and an example of unswerving dedication to the well-being of our family.

I know that we all will deeply miss her. I hope that in death she can find that peace that has been denied during these past few painful years.

Amen.